“This is weird, I never talk about myself this way.”

“I usually focus on other people and what is good about them, not me.”

“It feels funny to describe myself in a positive way.”

“It makes me uncomfortable to talk about myself.”

“Can we focus on someone else?”

“It’s hard to come up with 10. Can we do 1 or 2 instead?”

“I can’t think of anything positive to say.”

“I have no idea, I need your help.”

Does this sound familiar to you? I’m sure it does. These are quite often the very same things we tell ourselves over and over. So why is this important? Because our girls are getting the message loud and clear that says they are not good enough or worthy enough and it is time to give them a different perspective.

Doing this project with the girls has made me realize that many of our girls are armed with very little or NOTHING in their pockets! They have very few things they feel they are successful at, few accomplishments they are celebrating and few qualities or characteristics that they feel good about. Now, we know this is certainly not the truth. But it feels very real to them and therefore it is THEIR truth. When we turn this exercise around and explore the things she doesn’t feel so good about….well, of course those flow freely and easily.

Many of the parents I initially speak with have a list of challenges that they are experiencing with their girls. When it comes down to it most parents say, “I just want her to be happy and feel good about herself.” I couldn’t agree more and in fact I am more committed to this than ever. However, they desperately need our help in filling their pockets. They need to know that it is ok to truly celebrate their successes, that they are worthy of good things and that they are much deeper and beautiful then their physical attributes. They need to hear you celebrate your successes and hear you say positive things about yourself and the people around you. This gives them an idea of how they should treat themselves and interact with their world. And they need this every single day.

Our girls are always getting ready for something, right? Sometimes it’s prom (whether they are going or not), their first kiss, a new school, a new grade, a new sport/club, meeting a new friend, the finalization of a divorce, getting over a fight with a friend, waiting for the pain of a loved one to feel less intense, waiting for their body to change, waiting to find the words to express themselves, or waiting to have more solid friendships. Sometimes the waiting and the getting ready part is just plain uncomfortable. As parents, we often want the discomfort that comes along with “getting ready” to just go away. We want the process to hurry up, so we can reach the final goal and move on to the next thing.

In my office we work and play with the getting ready part. We get ready to face our anger so we can respond to it more appropriately, we become more aware and in-tune to our feelings so we can get ready to share them with Mom/Dad. We build our self-esteem so we can get ready to face what seems like a very hard day at school, we share feelings of not feeling worthy of love so one day when we are ready, we will be open to it. If you knew your girl was getting ready to make her next big shift or stride would you go about the process or support her differently? I have seen girls make such awesome strides, with themselves, friends and families. With each new shift they had to spend time getting ready for it. They had to sit with some discomfort. They had to work through and process the challenge at hand in order to tackle it…when they were ready.

What are you getting ready for? I’m getting ready, to get ready to have a baby! Now, of course most people say “You will never be ready enough!” One part of me believes them but a bigger part of me deeply celebrates this process, knowing that I am doing everything I can do to get ready. After all, isn’t this what’s its all about!?! What else would be doing if we weren’t getting ready for something?

1. Help her become prepared. Help her be ready and think ahead so she might know what to expect, instead of being unprepared or surprised. Together, create a list of things your girl might be wondering about and find answers or problem solve around each one of them.
2. Help your girl think about past experiences that she was nervous about that turned out OK. Remind her that everything turned out OK with that transition and most likely will with this one too. These successes are important to always keep in your back pocket so you can pull them out and remind her when necessary!
3. Help her become courageous. This one is my favorite and one I share with the girls often. Being brave has nothing to do with being unafraid of new things. It means having and feeling fear and doing it anyway. Each time she does something that requires courage she will become stronger and more confident.
4. Help her have a positive outlook with this transition instead of a negative one. How can this transition serve her or serve others? What will be her ‘take away’ from this transition? Perhaps she will gain something that she would never had the opportunity to gain had she never experienced this transition.
5. Try not to fix everything for her. A part of growing up and maturing is realizing there are struggles and there is constant change. Be there as a support but try not to take over and protect her from everything. The more she experiences the better prepared she will be.

If your relationship with your daughter is stressing you out and you want more ways to create a positive and healthy relationship with her, please call 732-252-5489 or email: elissa@higherartnj.com to begin to make some positive changes!

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