“This is weird, I never talk about myself this way.”

“I usually focus on other people and what is good about them, not me.”

“It feels funny to describe myself in a positive way.”

“It makes me uncomfortable to talk about myself.”

“Can we focus on someone else?”

“It’s hard to come up with 10. Can we do 1 or 2 instead?”

“I can’t think of anything positive to say.”

“I have no idea, I need your help.”

Does this sound familiar to you? I’m sure it does. These are quite often the very same things we tell ourselves over and over. So why is this important? Because our girls are getting the message loud and clear that says they are not good enough or worthy enough and it is time to give them a different perspective.

Doing this project with the girls has made me realize that many of our girls are armed with very little or NOTHING in their pockets! They have very few things they feel they are successful at, few accomplishments they are celebrating and few qualities or characteristics that they feel good about. Now, we know this is certainly not the truth. But it feels very real to them and therefore it is THEIR truth. When we turn this exercise around and explore the things she doesn’t feel so good about….well, of course those flow freely and easily.

Many of the parents I initially speak with have a list of challenges that they are experiencing with their girls. When it comes down to it most parents say, “I just want her to be happy and feel good about herself.” I couldn’t agree more and in fact I am more committed to this than ever. However, they desperately need our help in filling their pockets. They need to know that it is ok to truly celebrate their successes, that they are worthy of good things and that they are much deeper and beautiful then their physical attributes. They need to hear you celebrate your successes and hear you say positive things about yourself and the people around you. This gives them an idea of how they should treat themselves and interact with their world. And they need this every single day.

Our girls are always getting ready for something, right? Sometimes it’s prom (whether they are going or not), their first kiss, a new school, a new grade, a new sport/club, meeting a new friend, the finalization of a divorce, getting over a fight with a friend, waiting for the pain of a loved one to feel less intense, waiting for their body to change, waiting to find the words to express themselves, or waiting to have more solid friendships. Sometimes the waiting and the getting ready part is just plain uncomfortable. As parents, we often want the discomfort that comes along with “getting ready” to just go away. We want the process to hurry up, so we can reach the final goal and move on to the next thing.

In my office we work and play with the getting ready part. We get ready to face our anger so we can respond to it more appropriately, we become more aware and in-tune to our feelings so we can get ready to share them with Mom/Dad. We build our self-esteem so we can get ready to face what seems like a very hard day at school, we share feelings of not feeling worthy of love so one day when we are ready, we will be open to it. If you knew your girl was getting ready to make her next big shift or stride would you go about the process or support her differently? I have seen girls make such awesome strides, with themselves, friends and families. With each new shift they had to spend time getting ready for it. They had to sit with some discomfort. They had to work through and process the challenge at hand in order to tackle it…when they were ready.

What are you getting ready for? I’m getting ready, to get ready to have a baby! Now, of course most people say “You will never be ready enough!” One part of me believes them but a bigger part of me deeply celebrates this process, knowing that I am doing everything I can do to get ready. After all, isn’t this what’s its all about!?! What else would be doing if we weren’t getting ready for something?

1. Help her become prepared. Help her be ready and think ahead so she might know what to expect, instead of being unprepared or surprised. Together, create a list of things your girl might be wondering about and find answers or problem solve around each one of them.
2. Help your girl think about past experiences that she was nervous about that turned out OK. Remind her that everything turned out OK with that transition and most likely will with this one too. These successes are important to always keep in your back pocket so you can pull them out and remind her when necessary!
3. Help her become courageous. This one is my favorite and one I share with the girls often. Being brave has nothing to do with being unafraid of new things. It means having and feeling fear and doing it anyway. Each time she does something that requires courage she will become stronger and more confident.
4. Help her have a positive outlook with this transition instead of a negative one. How can this transition serve her or serve others? What will be her ‘take away’ from this transition? Perhaps she will gain something that she would never had the opportunity to gain had she never experienced this transition.
5. Try not to fix everything for her. A part of growing up and maturing is realizing there are struggles and there is constant change. Be there as a support but try not to take over and protect her from everything. The more she experiences the better prepared she will be.

If your relationship with your daughter is stressing you out and you want more ways to create a positive and healthy relationship with her, please call 732-252-5489 or email: elissa@higherartnj.com to begin to make some positive changes!

1. Once you have joined your daughter on her side of the bridge, listen with an open heart and with open eyes as if you are learning a new language…her language! You probably don’t feel like you speak her language anymore anyway, right? Repeat words that she shares with you, “So I heard you say.” “So you’re saying…” “I want to make sure I’m hearing you correctly, you want XX to happen?” This is always a great place to begin.
2. Learn about what happens on her side of the bridge. Learn about her world and come from a place of curiosity instead of quick judgment. By having these new connections you are actually creating new pathways, a new story together that feels very different than your old story.
3. Your daughter needs you to help guide the way. Your daughter has this amazing magical power where she can say one thing and it will totally set you off for hours or days. The words and actions you choose affect her deeply too. The more we can bridge the gap and connect, the more capacity we will have for compassion, empathy and understanding for eachother. This feeling of support, being heard and validated will make its way into many other areas of your relationship.
4. Your relationship with your girl is not a problem to be solved but rather a journey that you take together. Whew! Doesn’t that take a ton of pressure off? We have this incredible capacity to heal and grow in our relationships…if we allow it. This is true in our relationships with our daughters too.
5. Conflict and challenging times are a part of life and instead of setting us back they can be used as an opportunity for immense growth and deeper connection. When things have calmed down have a follow-up conversation with your girl. Put words to your feelings and emotions and she will (over time) learn to do the same.

It takes ALOT of strength and courage to be connected. So take that first small step and crossover the bridge!

If your relationship with your daughter is stressing you out and you want more ways to create a positive and healthy relationship with her, please call 732-252-5489 or email: elissa@higherartnj.com to begin to make some positive changes!

Are you frustrated by watching the same negative patterns of nagging, blaming, hating, judging and criticizing unfold before your eyes?

 Do you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall and have no idea what to do next?

 I understand, so many of the clients I’ve worked with have felt the same way. They’ve felt exhausted by repeatedly using the few tools they know only to find their girl pushing them away even more. 

They’ve felt overwhelmed by obstacles that keep them from building the relationship they dreamed of. They’ve felt stuck and find themselves looking at other parent/daughter relationships wishing they knew their secret. They feel guilty, not “good enough,” and then even more guilty for having feelings of guilt in the first place!!!

 Join me for a limited time in February as we SHARE THE LOVE and offer a complimentary “Get Your Girl To Listen Breakthrough Session.”

 During this powerful 30 minute call we’ll work together to….

•  Create a crystal clear vision for the kind of relationship that you would like to have with your girl
• Uncover hidden challenges that may be sabotaging your ability to get respect and the kind of behavior you would like
• You’ll leave the call renewed, reenergized and inspired to parent your girl and get the relationship that you deserve. 

This complimentary call is good through Valentines Day! To claim your “Get Your Girl To Listen Breakthrough Session,” simply click here and schedule a call on my online calendar. I can’t wait to share the love so you can feel more sane and you and your girl can feel more connected! 

Please feel free to SHARE THE LOVE and forward this to your colleagues and friends who may benefit from this call too!

From my heart to yours!

Elissa Bowes, MA, ATR-BC, LCAT, a nationally board certified, registered Art Therapist, works with emotionally challenged, and at-risk children, adolescents, adults, and families and as a consultant to organizations throughout New Jersey. Request her FREE report, “Is Your Daughter Driving You NUTS? 10 Things You Must Know To Keep You From Losing Your Mind Or Pulling Out Your Hair In The Process” by visiting www.higherartnj.com .

1. The art serves as a simple tool to better connect. When your child or teen is going through a difficult time it can feel impossible to connect with them. The art making or creative process serves as a bridge by connecting the distant/resistant child or teen to what is going on in the room. It creates an equal platform where we work together as leaders, assistants, observers , participants, partners or side-by-side towards a common goal, the completed piece of art. 

2.  Life gets messy and so does art. Your daughter will increase flexibility, and learn how to cope with things when they don’t go her way. 

3.  It takes lots of strength and courage to share our inner thoughts, feelings and emotions with someone else. The actual artwork serves as a catalyst to do this when we share and discuss its meaning throughout each session. Your daughter will translate this skill and use it when learning how to become more confident and responsible, especially in difficult situations such as bullying and when pressured by her peers to do something outside of her comfort zone. 

4.  The creative process helps put our active critical mind to rest and activates and honors our “I am good enough and I can solve this” thinking. Your daughter will learn how to voice what’s important to her, honor herself and her values, and speak up for what she believes in, even when it’s not popular. 

5.  Developing creativity requires imagination and ability to change ideas into a reality. It also requires a resourcefulness and improvisation. Developing these skills helps a girl be more resilient and bounce back quicker from a set-back or challenge. Your daughter will develop skills to manage difficult emotions and frustration, and create new positive ways to manage feelings and behaviors for life-long success. 

6. The creative process provides a safe and constant source of creativity, freedom, purpose and endless possibilities. This approach playfully invites your girl to “get out of her head” and back into her heart where her strengths, capabilities and resources live. 

7.  There are no mistakes in art, just do-overs, re-dos, cover-ups and paint-overs. What a wonderful guideline to follow! Let’s face it, learning new skills takes ALOT of practice and repetition. Whether it be learning to paint a canvas or learning how to express our anger/sadness without a meltdown, it can get frustrating. Your daughter will be given time and space to practice and work towards making positive changes that improve her communication and relationships with others, learning each step of the way what she can do better next time….and then practice and repeat it again.

Still not sure how the creative process affects our thinking!?!?

Click on the must read Newsweek article below, “The Creativity Crisis,” for more information:   http://www.newsweek.com/2010/07/10/the-creativity-crisis.html

Elissa Bowes, MA, ATR-BC, LCAT, a nationally board certified, registered Art Therapist, works with emotionally challenged, and at-risk children, adolescents, adults, and families and as a consultant to organizations throughout New Jersey. Request her FREE report, “Is Your Daughter Driving You NUTS? 10 Things You Must Know To Keep You From Losing Your Mind Or Pulling Out Your Hair In The Process” by visiting www.higherartnj.com .

2. Make an agreement with your girl… and write it down. For example: “We do homework between the hours of 4pm and 6pm in our home.” This way she understands that we do homework first and then play with our friends or go out. Hang this up where you can all see it. When she asks if her friend can come over after school, just point to the agreement and remind her that we are not going to do that because our agreement is that homework gets done first and then we play with friends.

3. Chunk out homework into bite size pieces. Break larger tasks into smaller more manageable steps. This is a wonderful skill that can help them now and well into the future.

4. If your child needs breaks to help them remain focused build them into the homework time and use a timer if need be. For example: For every 20 minutes of homework you do, you and I will play one game of UNO, Tic Tac Toe, do 20 jumping jacks etc.

5. Consider getting a tutor. At times it is necessary to recognize that we are not the best people to help our girls but a tutor or even a babysitter can get the job done. Sometimes when we take ourselves out of the equation we encounter less power struggles as a result.

6. Step out of the room or stay in: Depending upon what stage your girl is in she might benefit from your support in the room a little more. If she is beginning to spread her wings and become more independent she might benefit from you giving her more space to complete a task on her own, with the ability to ask for your help if need be.

7. Remember that you are the helper and NOT the doer!

Elissa Bowes, MA, ATR-BC, LCAT, a nationally board certified, registered Art Therapist, works with emotionally challenged, and at-risk children, adolescents, adults, and families and as a consultant to organizations throughout New Jersey. Request her FREE report, “Is Your Daughter Driving You NUTS? 10 Things You Must Know To Keep You From Losing Your Mind Or Pulling Out Your Hair In The Process” by visiting www.higherartnj.com .

I know this one is a hard one to swallow but 15 minutes of quality time focused completely on your girl goes a lot further than 1 hour of making dinner, washing the dishes, talking on the phone, checking your email and talking to your girl.

Carve out that space, even if it is for a short while, where she has a place (if she wants to use it) to be heard, understood and validated. And don’t forget that you can use humor too! Humor is a great de-stressor.

Remember, no one stays a pre-teen or teen (or the parent of a pre-teen or teen) forever! Laugh with her and while you’re at it you might as well laugh at yourself too! Nothing gets rid of stress better than a big ‘ol belly laugh.

The shifts and changes that you make now will greatly impact the strength of your relationship with your girl now and into the future. You will not only be affecting your relationship with her but you will be affecting the relationships she has with others too!

Elissa Bowes, MA, ATR-BC, LCAT, a nationally board certified, registered Art Therapist, works with emotionally challenged, and at-risk children, adolescents, adults, and families and as a consultant to organizations throughout New Jersey. Request her FREE report, “Is Your Daughter Driving You NUTS? 10 Things You Must Know To Keep You From Losing Your Mind Or Pulling Out Your Hair In The Process” by visiting www.higherartnj.com .

What a great way to model compassion, understanding and flexibility. Did you feel understood by adults when you were a child/teen? If so, try and recall what made you feel that way. If not, consider this your chance to break that cycle.

You can share her perspective and understand her more through some simple empathy and concern. Remember that you do not always have to have all the answers. Although I know you wish you would!

Instead of focusing on the huge social changes between your childhood and hers focus on the things that are the same. After all, some of those basic struggles have the ability to span generations. Will I fit in? Will people like me? Am I heard, respected, and understood? Who am I?

Elissa Bowes, MA, ATR-BC, LCAT, a nationally board certified, registered Art Therapist, works with emotionally challenged, and at-risk children, adolescents, adults, and families and as a consultant to organizations throughout New Jersey. Request her FREE report, “Is Your Daughter Driving You NUTS? 10 Things You Must Know To Keep You From Losing Your Mind Or Pulling Out Your Hair In The Process” by visiting www.higherartnj.com .