Posted on October 08, 2010 by admin

1.  When we are truly listening to someone whether it is our daughter, coworker, partner or friend it is important to listen to understand what they are experiencing rather than listening based on our own personal agenda. Next time you listen try putting your personal agenda aside for a few minutes and really listen to understand where the other person is coming from. 
2. Give her time and space to express what she is feeling. In order to do that we need to listen without judgment, criticism, opinions or reacting/responding too quickly. If your lives are so busy that you really do not have time to listen, then perhaps a priority would be to cut down on 1-2 activities to open up some new space to relate. 
3. Listen for the underlying message. Here, we are listening for the things that might not be spoken directly. For example, the message might not be about her friends talking behind her back and how mean they are. Instead, it might be about how hurt, angry and frustrated she might feel. 
4. Express empathy and validate her feelings. “That does seem frustrating.” “You seem really mad or sad right now.” This helps her feel seen and heard and will ultimately lead to more sharing and discussion. 
5. Take time to stop what you are doing and listen. If you can’t stop what you are doing then it is ok to say something like, “I can tell this is important to you. I can’t talk right now since I am working/cooking but let’s talk about this after dinner at 7:30pm tonight.” Be clear and stick to what you say. 
6. Encourage her to tell you more by asking open ended questions. “Tell me about the best part of your day.” By asking her things like “Then what happened?” “What else?” “What happened next?” we give her more opportunity to share and communicate with us. 
7. There is no need to feel that you need to solve everything that she comes to you with. It is more important to hear her point of view and then ask her what she thinks she can do. Or ask “What can you do the next time?” Help her enhance her problem solving skills that are so crucial for this stage of development.  

Want to know the best part about all of these tips!?! You can practice and use them with whoever you are talking to and wherever you are. These tips are not just for a parent and child but rather tips for better communication in general. Practice and let us know how it goes on our blog!

Elissa Bowes, MA, ATR-BC, LCAT, a nationally board certified, registered Art Therapist, works with emotionally challenged, and at-risk children, adolescents, adults, and families and as a consultant to organizations throughout New Jersey. Request her FREE report, “Is Your Daughter Driving You NUTS? 10 Things You Must Know To Keep You From Losing Your Mind Or Pulling Out Your Hair In The Process” by visiting www.higherartnj.com .