Posted on April 13, 2010 by admin
Not too long ago, if you have a pre-teen or teenage daughter, you may have been the person in her life with all the answers. When your daughter was struggling with friends or school, she came to you and you always knew how to take the pain and the hurt away. Now, as your daughter is getting older, you may find that she’s not turning to you anymore and instead you’re left with constant power struggles, talking to shut doors and endless eye rolling, "whatevers." You may feel powerless, helpless and even a little bit scared. You just want to make it better but your not quite sure how. Here are 3 simple strategies to help you reconnect with your girl.
1. Listen -
It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Yet sometimes it is so hard to do. These days it might seem like your daughter really doesn’t want to share ANYTHING with you. While it is true she is spending time doing things that are more important to her, she still wants a relationship with you, but she might not feel like you understand her. So, how do you begin to really understand your daughter? Simply by listening and doing it without judgment or trying to solve every problem she encounters or sharing what you think of her friends is key. Instead, ask her a question, such as, "What was the most frustrating thing that happened today," then listen.
2. Understand -
Try to think back to when you were a pre-teen or teen. You may remember the roller coaster of emotions you felt on a weekly or daily basis, in addition to the pressures and overwhelm of school, friends and family. Not so much fun. It is time to begin to understand your daughter through her point of view. Now, this does not mean you have to agree with all of her behaviors and choices, it just means that you begin to understand her thoughts and feelings. A simple way to do this is by validating her point of view. For example, acknowledge her thoughts or feelings when things do not go her way, "I can tell you are really upset you can’t sleep at Jessica’s house, that must be really frustrating for you." Sometimes just having her feelings validated will make her feel understood, heard and supported and this improves relationships.
3. Encourage Self Expression -
Your pre-teen or teen has ALOT to express. Find at least one positive outlet to help your daughter deal with some of her frustrations and stressors. This might be in the form of sports, music, art, dance, outdoor activities, working out, volunteering, acting, anything that creates opportunities for positive self-expression. Having multiple outlets creates healthy connections with peers, the opportunity for other positive adults to mentor her and an easy way for you to connect to her by watching and expressing curiosity in her interest. Ask her to share or teach you a tip or two about her favorite activity and simply LISTEN as the conversation unfolds.
